a Tae Kwon Do world medalist and another who at 16 years old launched and is successfully pursuing a career as a singer/songwriter, and another who at age 15 decided to UNSCHOOL - left the local high school (with parental approval), is legitimately pursuing academics that will ensure acceptance into a University and is spending this year traveling.
This doesn’t even scratch the surface. In our (small) town there are kids who are published writers and science geeks. Teens, who despite the fact that their bodies have not finished changing, are already changing our world. There are all the typical interesting kids you’d meet anywhere: athletes, smart kids, and an array of artists & makers who are actively expanding the dialogue on every possible topic you can imagine through their artwork or performances.
They are not all phenoms, but there is no shortage of extraordinary. It’s exciting to be around, it is fun, and it is a little terrifying.
Nerve-racking for those wondering if they can keep up the pace? How long will this be expected of them?
Pretty scary for their peers as well, classmates who are doing enough, but wonder if there is something wrong that they haven’t yet found their shooting star quality? And honestly, it seems pretty distressing for those who keep themselves out of the "crazy," but witness the self-imposed pressure their friends feel.
It is not hard to understand why some teens quickly learn to avoid the hazards of caring too much or trying too hard.
These fears are real and are an aspect of each of their lives – whether they are draped in their country's flag accepting medals or just trying to figure out if they can navigate their parents, friends, teachers, and the cafeteria on a given school day without someone freaking out.
They worry about bad grades, bad dates, getting fired, and breaking the rules, or worse: getting caught breaking the rules and on the whole, each new wave of teens I encounter seems increasingly more cautious than the last. Those who are bold in public arenas are often very guarded in more personal ones. The result is a strange kind of loneliness. They carry an uncertainty about how to create the foundations of friendship and that uncertainty seems out of place among, such otherwise, accomplished young adults.
When children are small we often believe we can protect them. Once they are teens we have typically discovered our job was much less about keeping them safe from harm and more about helping them identify danger, and heal successfully.
Parent as Shield doesn’t really work, kids get hurt. They break bones, are not chosen at the audition, and are excluded from birthday parties. Kids get hurt and it turns out that our task as parents is less about protecting them and more about teaching them, and ourselves, to stand back up. How to experience failure without it being our undoing. How do we teach our children to fail? I suspect it is by doing it ourselves.
I know! If parenthood was held to truth in advertising standards I suspect there would be many fewer of us today.
• sleep deprivation
• diapers
• terrible twos
• terrible teens
These we had all heard about.
However, if someone said: "As a mom all your frailest and most unattractive traits will regularly be on display. You will often feel frustrated, and worn down, and despite being larger and more experienced than the children in your care, you will find yourself unexpectedly vulnerable to their tyrannical demands." Add to this list modeling failure and truly it is a very good thing babies start off smelling good, but not edible.
So what are we to do? My answer is "Fall down six times, stand up seven." Dust yourself off. You will be disappointed, or sad, or angry, or all of these, for a while, and then you are going to be okay again. That's the message we need to share, with those becoming adults in our homes: How we manage the tension of the unknown in our own lives.
If we hope to discover what we are capable of we must not let the possibility of failing limit our choices. I am not suggesting recklessness; I am suggesting not inflating fear by exaggerating the consequences of failure. We live in a time full of possibility and the real challenge any of us face is being open to it.
Honestly, now that you are somewhere in the thick of your adulthood aren’t you grateful your life has not been limited to the choices your 18-year-old self would have made for your 40-year-old self? The same will be true for them. We need to help them be open to what they cannot yet imagine.
Let our young adults know that despite many falls and mistakes along the way we have survived this far and it is time to let them know that we are confident they will too - humans are hardwired to solve problems and learn from mistakes. Creating an expectation of trial and error as part of life can free our kids to find their own answers and provide us opportunities to learn clever new solutions.
Bad grades, bad dates, getting fired, breaking the rules, and being impulsive are all parts of becoming capable adults. Failure is not something to fear, it is merely one of the tools for becoming an individual with the strength, energy, and sense of humor needed to enjoy this life and make this world a sweeter place by being in it.
I know. I am scared too. If I can hold on to this idea, firmly, with both hands, for say seven or eight more years, the young adults in my life might all survive long enough to become old adults. Truth is, I love their company, but I admit there are days when it is a good thing that if they smell good it is not in that baby back ribs kinda of way.
